I was reflecting today on the word "persevere". I find comfort in the fact the word "persevere" has the word "severe" in it. It is not; perdifficult, perhard, peruncomfortable, persadforaday, pertough, perchallenging, peridon'tlikethisverymuch or perthisisnotfun. It is perSEVERE. You know, I want to persevere. It is a good word! A strong word. I want to be that person.
But, to earn the title...sometimes you have to get beyond uncomfortable. You have to dive into severe and sometimes you are never going to know when that "severe" feeling is going to end. It doesn't just get easier, it is severe and you have to just hang on and get through it.
My little thought for the day.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Lessons from Dad
One week ago we were getting ready to make a long drive to say good-bye to my Dad. You never imagine when you are doing something like that - that it will actually be your last time. My husband, 2 girls and I got to spend precious, precious time holding his hand, cuddling his face and talking, praying and singing to him. He always called me an angel when I would sing to him , but this time he could not even speak. His body was there, he was breathing, his foggy eyes flickered toward the door when I told him his "little Lucy" and Vivienne were there to see him. But, I felt his spirit already gone. Wow. I found myself thinking, is this really goodbye? You can never prepare for this moment in your adult life. All you can do is, each and everyday, thank the people you love - unceasingly - thank them and tell them you love them and are grateful for them and apologize for everything you do that might have caused them pain. Do not wait for the last moments, but do it when you act out of turn, when you do something or say something that could cause pain. Do it. Do it now. Don't wait. I am so thankful that I had that relationship with my Dad. He has said for years...I know. I know. I know. Whew, all I know is that when I was at that bedside, all I had left to do was love, comfort, adore. The lessons here; 1) be free with your love...not in a 60's kind of way - but a heart way. Love people. 2) Tell them what you like about them and tell them that they matter 3) Make it more about other people than yourself. 4) Repent. Have a repentant heart. No one is perfect, don't expect that of yourself and don't be ashamed when you fail. Repent. Change. Ask for forgiveness.
So, here I sit, not even one week later. My Dad passed away 24 hours after we saw him. We have had his wake and his funeral service and the burial of his ashes will happen on Tuesday.
A funeral service kind of "boils down" your life. What a great summation those guys gave of my Dads life. Last Christmas Dad gave me a book "Lessons from Stanley the Cat". I am thinking today about "Lessons from Dad". Here is what Dad taught those around him.
1) Never say the word "can't", it isn't in the dictionary.
2) Have cahoneys (a.k.a. male testicles...this one isn't on spell check - think COURAGE!). You can do anything if you have courage.
3) Be Loyal, Be Honest
4) Work Hard
5) Give more than you take
6) Be a good friend
7) Your family matters
8) Love your wife (spouse) and honor them everday of your life
9) Love your country
10) Nothing is as good as being a grandparent
What a great, great guy. What is amazing is that my Dad also had a big inferiority complex. He never, never, never thought he did enough or was ever successful. He pushed through all of this and all of this life with that voice in his head telling him, you're not good enough. Wow. What a lesson that is. He had people around him telling him he was great all the time, but still he did not believe it. That was in part what made Dad so irresistible.
He makes me think...break through those voices! Do all the things on my list and more, you CAN do it!
These have been my guiding verses through the last days...My firm foundation.
Matthew 11:28-30
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
2 Corinthians 4:17-18
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
John 14:1-6
1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” 5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” 6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
2 Timothy 4:7-8
OK. I love you Dad!
So, here I sit, not even one week later. My Dad passed away 24 hours after we saw him. We have had his wake and his funeral service and the burial of his ashes will happen on Tuesday.
A funeral service kind of "boils down" your life. What a great summation those guys gave of my Dads life. Last Christmas Dad gave me a book "Lessons from Stanley the Cat". I am thinking today about "Lessons from Dad". Here is what Dad taught those around him.
1) Never say the word "can't", it isn't in the dictionary.
2) Have cahoneys (a.k.a. male testicles...this one isn't on spell check - think COURAGE!). You can do anything if you have courage.
3) Be Loyal, Be Honest
4) Work Hard
5) Give more than you take
6) Be a good friend
7) Your family matters
8) Love your wife (spouse) and honor them everday of your life
9) Love your country
10) Nothing is as good as being a grandparent
What a great, great guy. What is amazing is that my Dad also had a big inferiority complex. He never, never, never thought he did enough or was ever successful. He pushed through all of this and all of this life with that voice in his head telling him, you're not good enough. Wow. What a lesson that is. He had people around him telling him he was great all the time, but still he did not believe it. That was in part what made Dad so irresistible.
He makes me think...break through those voices! Do all the things on my list and more, you CAN do it!
These have been my guiding verses through the last days...My firm foundation.
Matthew 11:28-30
28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
2 Corinthians 4:17-18
17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
John 14:1-6
1 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God[a]; believe also in me. 2 My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? 3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going.” 5 Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?” 6 Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
2 Timothy 4:7-8
7 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. 8 Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing.
OK. I love you Dad!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
When you lose a Dad.
Tomorrow I am going to see my Dad for the last time. I am going to say goodbye. Can I really be writing that? It all seems so surreal.
On the outside, I look very stoic, very serious, very blah. Inside, the complexity of my emotions is overwhelming. I am very sad, scared, worried, nostalgic. I have 43 years of memories and emotions that are playing like one of those shuffle disc players that you have on your car stereo....memories and emotions that span 43 years from the time I was a little girl to just last month. One of my very first memories ever...my Dad bringing me a doll in the hospital after I had my tonsils out. I remember it so well. I think I was 4. She had on the most beautiful dress. I was really in love with that doll and she did help me feel better.
What happens to those memories when he is gone? What is it going to be like without my Dad. He has been my hero, my friend, my strong one. There were lots of times when I did not make him proud, but funny, looking back on it....the times I did make him proud outshine everything. When I think of him, I think of how I made him proud. I have a stack of letter that dad has written me over the years...in his scrambled scribbly handwriting...my favorite one was a card...with the word PROUD writtne on the inside. That was it. That summed it up. I made him proud. Isn't that was every kid want to do, deep down in thier hearts?
So, here it is. I want to share these thoughts with you; pain...you can't imagine it getting easier, but you have faith it will. The unknown, getting ready to live without a parent is like staring down a big black tunnel...you have no idea what to expect. What is down there? What will it be like? Emotions...I think those around me expect me to act normal, they forget about what is going on inside of me and look for clues on my face, but my face is blank b/c you don't know what you feel. It is so complex!
I think going about the normal day to day things are tough. I am doing laundry, cleaning and cooking, driving my kids places, going out with my husband. But, all I want to do is lay in bed. I am not depressed, I just....want to lie in bed. Hmm. this is quite the journey!
I love this blogging thing. It is so good to get these thoughts out of my head and onto "paper". Thank you Miss Heather S. for being so great.
On the outside, I look very stoic, very serious, very blah. Inside, the complexity of my emotions is overwhelming. I am very sad, scared, worried, nostalgic. I have 43 years of memories and emotions that are playing like one of those shuffle disc players that you have on your car stereo....memories and emotions that span 43 years from the time I was a little girl to just last month. One of my very first memories ever...my Dad bringing me a doll in the hospital after I had my tonsils out. I remember it so well. I think I was 4. She had on the most beautiful dress. I was really in love with that doll and she did help me feel better.
What happens to those memories when he is gone? What is it going to be like without my Dad. He has been my hero, my friend, my strong one. There were lots of times when I did not make him proud, but funny, looking back on it....the times I did make him proud outshine everything. When I think of him, I think of how I made him proud. I have a stack of letter that dad has written me over the years...in his scrambled scribbly handwriting...my favorite one was a card...with the word PROUD writtne on the inside. That was it. That summed it up. I made him proud. Isn't that was every kid want to do, deep down in thier hearts?
So, here it is. I want to share these thoughts with you; pain...you can't imagine it getting easier, but you have faith it will. The unknown, getting ready to live without a parent is like staring down a big black tunnel...you have no idea what to expect. What is down there? What will it be like? Emotions...I think those around me expect me to act normal, they forget about what is going on inside of me and look for clues on my face, but my face is blank b/c you don't know what you feel. It is so complex!
I think going about the normal day to day things are tough. I am doing laundry, cleaning and cooking, driving my kids places, going out with my husband. But, all I want to do is lay in bed. I am not depressed, I just....want to lie in bed. Hmm. this is quite the journey!
I love this blogging thing. It is so good to get these thoughts out of my head and onto "paper". Thank you Miss Heather S. for being so great.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Aging Parents
For the last several years one of the journeys this pilgrim has been on is the "journey of aging parents". There is no guidebook out there that makes this traveling easier or more pleasant. I suppose there are plenty of books written on the subject, but at 43, this whole thing has come upon me suddenly...well, it has been more of slow drip suddenly. That doesn't make sense at all, but that is the best way that I can put it.
My husband and I still have all 4 of our parents living. None have died quickly or unexpectedly - rather they are all in one degree of poor health or another and declining on a regular basis. Imagine that your head is filled with stringy cotton candy - you can see all the threads - kind of like a spider web - well, these are your emotions riding through your parents aging process. Holy Smokes - the amount of memories that come flooding and trickling is amazing. Good memories, horrible memories, memories of childhood and young adulthood. Hopes for what could have been. Questions about what your aging process will be like. Ponderings of what legacy you have been given and what legacy you might be leaving - all compete for the same space in your little head. Like the sticky cotton candy, all the memories are stuck together, nothing stands alone.
And the dreams! I have had numerous dreams, sweet dreams and sad dreams where I wake up with hot tears and my husband holds me and says it will all be OK. Dreams where I cradle my dying father's head and touch his face and reassure him that heaven is a beautiful place and hopes that he will be there with me. Are you sure daddy? As I, in my dreams, go through the list of things that I need to make sure we are on the same page about. He always says yes. Do you believe in Jesus? Do you know that you have sinned and that Jesus takes that all away. Do you accept Jesus?
I cannot imagine life without my Dad and yet here I sit, perhaps less than 24 hours away from being without him for the rest of my life on earth. What does that look like? I find myself hoping and praying for his death - he is in a nursing home with zero quality of life left. All pride had been stripped from him years ago. He was filled with so much hope - but that is gone now too. It is the saddest thing in the world. So, I am hoping and praying without a clue as to what life will be like when it happens. This is a road less traveled for me!
You don't think about aging so much when you are 20 or 30 or maybe even too much when you turn 40. But wow, around 42 things started to ache so much more! Your body does weird things and you think, CRAP! It is happening...but it all happened so suddenly. When your parents age alongside of you it makes it all the more crystal clear...you can't stop it. But you can hope to make it better.
So there you go. I am sorry if this entry has seemed scattered and nonsensical. I am filled with the emotions of gloom and sadness and hope and joy all at the same time. It is schizophrenic! Gloom and Sadness; Dad is going to die very soon. His life is so painful right now...hope that it does happen quickly and does not linger on...joy of memories shared over 43+ years with a terrific, wonderful Dad.
And, this is just the first parent! We still have 3 other parents that I have not even wrote about. Each parent will hold their own special blend of joy and sorrow. Yikes, I don't feel up to this journey, but it is here nonetheless. There is absolutely nothing I can do to forgo this trip. And I have not even written about dealing with siblings during this whole adventure or supporting/ dealing with the living parent, that is a whole other ball of wax!
My husband and I still have all 4 of our parents living. None have died quickly or unexpectedly - rather they are all in one degree of poor health or another and declining on a regular basis. Imagine that your head is filled with stringy cotton candy - you can see all the threads - kind of like a spider web - well, these are your emotions riding through your parents aging process. Holy Smokes - the amount of memories that come flooding and trickling is amazing. Good memories, horrible memories, memories of childhood and young adulthood. Hopes for what could have been. Questions about what your aging process will be like. Ponderings of what legacy you have been given and what legacy you might be leaving - all compete for the same space in your little head. Like the sticky cotton candy, all the memories are stuck together, nothing stands alone.
And the dreams! I have had numerous dreams, sweet dreams and sad dreams where I wake up with hot tears and my husband holds me and says it will all be OK. Dreams where I cradle my dying father's head and touch his face and reassure him that heaven is a beautiful place and hopes that he will be there with me. Are you sure daddy? As I, in my dreams, go through the list of things that I need to make sure we are on the same page about. He always says yes. Do you believe in Jesus? Do you know that you have sinned and that Jesus takes that all away. Do you accept Jesus?
I cannot imagine life without my Dad and yet here I sit, perhaps less than 24 hours away from being without him for the rest of my life on earth. What does that look like? I find myself hoping and praying for his death - he is in a nursing home with zero quality of life left. All pride had been stripped from him years ago. He was filled with so much hope - but that is gone now too. It is the saddest thing in the world. So, I am hoping and praying without a clue as to what life will be like when it happens. This is a road less traveled for me!
You don't think about aging so much when you are 20 or 30 or maybe even too much when you turn 40. But wow, around 42 things started to ache so much more! Your body does weird things and you think, CRAP! It is happening...but it all happened so suddenly. When your parents age alongside of you it makes it all the more crystal clear...you can't stop it. But you can hope to make it better.
So there you go. I am sorry if this entry has seemed scattered and nonsensical. I am filled with the emotions of gloom and sadness and hope and joy all at the same time. It is schizophrenic! Gloom and Sadness; Dad is going to die very soon. His life is so painful right now...hope that it does happen quickly and does not linger on...joy of memories shared over 43+ years with a terrific, wonderful Dad.
And, this is just the first parent! We still have 3 other parents that I have not even wrote about. Each parent will hold their own special blend of joy and sorrow. Yikes, I don't feel up to this journey, but it is here nonetheless. There is absolutely nothing I can do to forgo this trip. And I have not even written about dealing with siblings during this whole adventure or supporting/ dealing with the living parent, that is a whole other ball of wax!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Halloween
The trouble with starting a blog is that everyday seems to begin with this quest for inspiration. And, the harder you look for it, the more you ask your brain for it, the more it turns around and hides behind a corner. So, the whole live long day you run around searching for it and it keeps hiding.
So, here I am at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and my most precious inspirational times are gone, baby, gone. It doesn't seem like anything earth moving is going to come my way into my thoughts...but Ha! here it was all the time, right in front of my nose. Today...is Halloween.
Halloween is soooo complex for me. It symbolizes a lot of why I chose the poem, "two roads diverged" and the title "pilgrim" for my blog. I am in totally foreign territory when it comes to Halloween.
Talk about complicated...As a devoted Christian, I hate Halloween. As a seamstress & inventor, I love costumes. As a Mom, I approach Halloween with great trepidation (my daughter just came home with an article from school called "the candy hangover"). As a Mom, I eagerly jump at the chance to celebrate a fall season with our girls & surprise them with special candy. As a neighbor, I love seeing my neighbors on Halloween. As a neighbor, I get angry that I only see these people on Halloween.
You can see, at every turn, my mind is busy asking...where do I draw the line? WHERE DO I DRAW THE LINE? Wow, I wish more people would ask themselves that question in thier approaches to living. Worldview...that will have to be a seperate post. We are bombarded at almost every moment of the day with ideas, opinions, fads and trends, peer pressures etc.. We are not encouraged to turn on our brains. We are encouraged to open our mouths and let the world shove anything they want to down our throats - we are supposed to drink it all - eat it all. But, we need to ask the question...where do I draw the line? We need to ask ourselves, why - why am I doing this? why do I believe that? As a devoted Christian, I am very thankful that I have the Bible to lean on. The Holy Spirit to guide me. Without those things I would be LOST.
For some it is simple, just say no. Say No to anything Halloween. We tried that one year and it was very depressing. So, at Halloween...I have a peace about needing to make a lot of don't cross this line decisions...Costumes; nothing dead, nothing scary, nothing dark. Share the light...that is our motto. Decorations; pumpkins are great fun in our family, that is about it. I love to decorate for fall, but don't do much for Halloween. I have told the girls, "you just need to get a grip on that fact that Mom will never put skeletons in the windows". Candy; I don't draw too many lines there - except for the "don't read the candy hangover article" line. Also, we pretty regularily share the history stories of halloween and how it came about. We don't walk into it blindly not knowing it's foundation.
Our chief aim needs to be, Glorify God. How do our Halloween traditions glorify God? Ohhh, that is touchy territory, but it can be done! We get out and see our neighbors. This is a big thing in our neighborhood. We are already labeled as the "religious family" b/c we homeschool our kids and go to church instead of cut the grass on Sundays...so they are ready for us to turn out the lights on Halloween and let them have fun. No, we are going to be having "fun" too. We are going to smile and enjoy seeing thier faces. We are not going to meet them with religious condemnation and divide us even further. Are kids don't wear scary costumes and we don't have skeletons in the windows and we don't "celebrate" halloween, but can come to our house for fun and candy. We carve pumpkins as a family and share love. Family times glorify God.
Wow, that was a ramble. Maybe for some of you it is much more easy. But, as a pilgrim, as a pioneer parent...my memories of Halloween are great and that makes this time - Halloween - even more complex. As a kid, my Dad got so into the "holiday". I can't just erase those memories. One year he bought a real looking gorilla costume to wear. One year he and my brother built a casket for the front yard. I mean, my dad really got into it. He loved any reason to celebrate.
As my dad lies in a nursing home and we count the days/weeks/months down to his death...it is a way to honor him too. That glorifies God.
I think I have that gorilla costume in my storeroom and I think I might wear it tonight.
So, here I am at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and my most precious inspirational times are gone, baby, gone. It doesn't seem like anything earth moving is going to come my way into my thoughts...but Ha! here it was all the time, right in front of my nose. Today...is Halloween.
Halloween is soooo complex for me. It symbolizes a lot of why I chose the poem, "two roads diverged" and the title "pilgrim" for my blog. I am in totally foreign territory when it comes to Halloween.
Talk about complicated...As a devoted Christian, I hate Halloween. As a seamstress & inventor, I love costumes. As a Mom, I approach Halloween with great trepidation (my daughter just came home with an article from school called "the candy hangover"). As a Mom, I eagerly jump at the chance to celebrate a fall season with our girls & surprise them with special candy. As a neighbor, I love seeing my neighbors on Halloween. As a neighbor, I get angry that I only see these people on Halloween.
You can see, at every turn, my mind is busy asking...where do I draw the line? WHERE DO I DRAW THE LINE? Wow, I wish more people would ask themselves that question in thier approaches to living. Worldview...that will have to be a seperate post. We are bombarded at almost every moment of the day with ideas, opinions, fads and trends, peer pressures etc.. We are not encouraged to turn on our brains. We are encouraged to open our mouths and let the world shove anything they want to down our throats - we are supposed to drink it all - eat it all. But, we need to ask the question...where do I draw the line? We need to ask ourselves, why - why am I doing this? why do I believe that? As a devoted Christian, I am very thankful that I have the Bible to lean on. The Holy Spirit to guide me. Without those things I would be LOST.
For some it is simple, just say no. Say No to anything Halloween. We tried that one year and it was very depressing. So, at Halloween...I have a peace about needing to make a lot of don't cross this line decisions...Costumes; nothing dead, nothing scary, nothing dark. Share the light...that is our motto. Decorations; pumpkins are great fun in our family, that is about it. I love to decorate for fall, but don't do much for Halloween. I have told the girls, "you just need to get a grip on that fact that Mom will never put skeletons in the windows". Candy; I don't draw too many lines there - except for the "don't read the candy hangover article" line. Also, we pretty regularily share the history stories of halloween and how it came about. We don't walk into it blindly not knowing it's foundation.
Our chief aim needs to be, Glorify God. How do our Halloween traditions glorify God? Ohhh, that is touchy territory, but it can be done! We get out and see our neighbors. This is a big thing in our neighborhood. We are already labeled as the "religious family" b/c we homeschool our kids and go to church instead of cut the grass on Sundays...so they are ready for us to turn out the lights on Halloween and let them have fun. No, we are going to be having "fun" too. We are going to smile and enjoy seeing thier faces. We are not going to meet them with religious condemnation and divide us even further. Are kids don't wear scary costumes and we don't have skeletons in the windows and we don't "celebrate" halloween, but can come to our house for fun and candy. We carve pumpkins as a family and share love. Family times glorify God.
Wow, that was a ramble. Maybe for some of you it is much more easy. But, as a pilgrim, as a pioneer parent...my memories of Halloween are great and that makes this time - Halloween - even more complex. As a kid, my Dad got so into the "holiday". I can't just erase those memories. One year he bought a real looking gorilla costume to wear. One year he and my brother built a casket for the front yard. I mean, my dad really got into it. He loved any reason to celebrate.
As my dad lies in a nursing home and we count the days/weeks/months down to his death...it is a way to honor him too. That glorifies God.
I think I have that gorilla costume in my storeroom and I think I might wear it tonight.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The first day.
Hello. After what seems like a very long time, I finally came upon a name that sums up what I hope to blog/write about. Slightly funny, perhaps too much inspired by this fallish time of year, but nonetheless indicitive of this journey that I seem to find myself on ... almost daily. Well, of course I am there daily but, what I mean is, that daily, at least weekly, I find myself deep in thought about the journey and the ways that it has ended up so differently! In a beautiful way.
I have taken a different path, as many of us have. A different path from my parents & siblings, a different path for my family, certainly a different path than many of my peers. A different path than myself ever thought I would take. I continue to be surprised with the joy I find in things I never thought would be mine to experience.
I have been inspired by, in several seasons of my life, the wonderful Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken. I want to reflect on those seasons and as I ready to enter a new one, share the journey...get it out of my head and onto something...electronic paper? I have no delusions that people will find any of this interesting. The thought terrifies me. But here it is...for better or worse. I am a pilgrim, a soujourner.
I have taken a different path, as many of us have. A different path from my parents & siblings, a different path for my family, certainly a different path than many of my peers. A different path than myself ever thought I would take. I continue to be surprised with the joy I find in things I never thought would be mine to experience.
I have been inspired by, in several seasons of my life, the wonderful Robert Frost poem, The Road Not Taken. I want to reflect on those seasons and as I ready to enter a new one, share the journey...get it out of my head and onto something...electronic paper? I have no delusions that people will find any of this interesting. The thought terrifies me. But here it is...for better or worse. I am a pilgrim, a soujourner.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)