Aging Parents

For the last several years one of the journeys this pilgrim has been on is the "journey of aging parents". There is no guidebook out there that makes this traveling easier or more pleasant. I suppose there are plenty of books written on the subject, but at 43, this whole thing has come upon me suddenly...well, it has been more of slow drip suddenly. That doesn't make sense at all, but that is the best way that I can put it.

My husband and I still have all 4 of our parents living. None have died quickly or unexpectedly - rather they are all in one degree of poor health or another and declining on a regular basis. Imagine that your head is filled with stringy cotton candy - you can see all the threads - kind of like a spider web - well, these are your emotions riding through your parents aging process. Holy Smokes - the amount of memories that come flooding and trickling is amazing. Good memories, horrible memories, memories of childhood and young adulthood. Hopes for what could have been.  Questions about what your  aging process will be like. Ponderings of what legacy you have been given and what legacy you might be leaving - all compete for the same space in your little head. Like the sticky cotton candy, all the memories are stuck together, nothing stands alone.

And the dreams! I have had numerous dreams, sweet dreams and sad dreams where I wake up with hot tears and my husband holds me and says it will all be OK. Dreams where I cradle my dying father's head and touch his face and reassure him that heaven is  a beautiful place and hopes that he will be there with me. Are you sure daddy? As I, in my dreams, go through the list of things that I need to make sure we are on the same page about. He always says yes. Do you believe in Jesus? Do you know that you have sinned and that Jesus takes that all away. Do you accept Jesus?

I cannot imagine life without my Dad and yet here I sit, perhaps less than 24 hours away from being without him for the rest of my life on earth. What does that look like? I find myself hoping and praying for his death - he is in a nursing home with zero quality of life left. All pride had been stripped from him years ago. He was filled with so much hope - but that is gone now too. It is the saddest thing in the world. So, I am hoping and praying without a clue as to what life will be like when it happens. This is a road less traveled for me!

You don't think about aging so much when you are 20 or 30 or maybe even too much when you turn 40. But wow, around 42 things started to ache so much more! Your body does weird things and you think, CRAP! It is happening...but it all happened so suddenly. When your parents age alongside of you it makes it all the more crystal clear...you can't stop it. But you can hope to make it better.

So there you go. I am sorry if this entry has seemed scattered and nonsensical. I am filled with the emotions of gloom and sadness and hope and joy all at the same time. It is schizophrenic! Gloom and Sadness; Dad is going to die very soon. His life is so painful right now...hope that it does happen quickly and does not linger on...joy of memories shared over 43+ years with a terrific, wonderful Dad.

And, this is just the first parent! We still have 3 other parents that I have not even wrote about. Each parent will hold their own special blend of joy and sorrow. Yikes, I don't feel up to this journey, but it is here nonetheless. There is absolutely nothing I can do to forgo this trip. And I have not even written about dealing with siblings during this whole adventure or supporting/ dealing with the living parent, that is a whole other ball of wax!