Tomorrow I am going to see my Dad for the last time. I am going to say goodbye. Can I really be writing that? It all seems so surreal.
On the outside, I look very stoic, very serious, very blah. Inside, the complexity of my emotions is overwhelming. I am very sad, scared, worried, nostalgic. I have 43 years of memories and emotions that are playing like one of those shuffle disc players that you have on your car stereo....memories and emotions that span 43 years from the time I was a little girl to just last month. One of my very first memories ever...my Dad bringing me a doll in the hospital after I had my tonsils out. I remember it so well. I think I was 4. She had on the most beautiful dress. I was really in love with that doll and she did help me feel better.
What happens to those memories when he is gone? What is it going to be like without my Dad. He has been my hero, my friend, my strong one. There were lots of times when I did not make him proud, but funny, looking back on it....the times I did make him proud outshine everything. When I think of him, I think of how I made him proud. I have a stack of letter that dad has written me over the years...in his scrambled scribbly handwriting...my favorite one was a card...with the word PROUD writtne on the inside. That was it. That summed it up. I made him proud. Isn't that was every kid want to do, deep down in thier hearts?
So, here it is. I want to share these thoughts with you; pain...you can't imagine it getting easier, but you have faith it will. The unknown, getting ready to live without a parent is like staring down a big black tunnel...you have no idea what to expect. What is down there? What will it be like? Emotions...I think those around me expect me to act normal, they forget about what is going on inside of me and look for clues on my face, but my face is blank b/c you don't know what you feel. It is so complex!
I think going about the normal day to day things are tough. I am doing laundry, cleaning and cooking, driving my kids places, going out with my husband. But, all I want to do is lay in bed. I am not depressed, I just....want to lie in bed. Hmm. this is quite the journey!
I love this blogging thing. It is so good to get these thoughts out of my head and onto "paper". Thank you Miss Heather S. for being so great.
I'm so sorry, Becky. I just read your blog for the 1st time and my heart is heavy with you. Please know that I will be thinking of you and praying for our Lord and Savior to carry you through this hard time. I can not imagine how hard this must be. I haven't been there yet with my Dad. But I know it will be one of the hardest things I ever go through, because I have always been a Daddy's girl. I know he IS VERY PROUD of you and your love for him.
ReplyDeleteLord, I ask that you bless my friend and sister Becky with your peace that passes all understanding and for a precious time together for Becky and her Dad and your presence to be very real to them both. Thank you, Jesus.